Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
